Is My Husband a Narcissist?

It can take years, even decades, to recognize the signs of narcissistic personality in your significant other. Many times the signs of narcissism do not become clear until the added responsibilities and duties of marriage begin. In fact, some of the telltale signs, such as confidence and assertiveness can actually be seen as positives, until they start to get out of control.

Isolation

According to Christina Dorazio, Ph.D., “After marriage, narcissists often isolate their spouses from their friends through a slow and methodical process.” They will do this in small and subtle ways, such as making disparaging comments about your friends. They will try to slowly cut off other members of your support system, especially those who they fear are close to figuring out their narcissistic behavior.

Gaslighting

Gaslighting seems to be the new biggest buzzword in divorces and break-ups, but gaslighting is a very, very important part of a narcissist's hold on their spouse. Dorazio stated that she had never seen a narcissistic marriage in which gaslighting did not occur. Common gaslighting phrases include, “You are way too emotional”, “You are overthinking”, “That never happened”, “You’re just paranoid”, and “Stop being so dramatic/insecure.” Gaslighting is a very dangerous behavior in narcissists that aim to warp their partner’s sense of reality and security with their own emotions and memory.

Flattery

Before marriage, your narcissistic partner probably laid on the flattery and compliments. While this may have seemed genuine at the time, if these compliments have ended after marriage, or only occur in the presence of others, they were likely just another tactic used to win you over. Many narcissists will lay on the praise in front of other people to make themselves look like an amazing partner and use this against you when you try to bring up any conflict in your marriage. Narcissists may also engage in heavy flattery to those people in your social circle rather than you to feed your insecurities, which makes you depend on them for validation.

Jealousy

Now, almost everyone is guilty of making their partner feel jealous at one point or another, unintentionally or not. However, a partner who goes above and beyond to try and make you feel jealous is showing a standard flag of a narcissist. Like the above point, small things like making glowing comments about an ex of theirs or showing flirtatious behavior to someone else in front of you are done to bring out your insecurities and also help to feed their ego.

Childcare

The addition of a new family member to your partnership is supposed to be a great and exciting time, right? Not for a narcissist. According to Suzanna Degges-White, Ph.D., there are two ways a narcissist could handle a new baby being born into the family. Firstly, a narcissist may become jealous of the new baby and the time and affection you dedicate to your baby. They may demand you to spend more of your time and attention on them during this time. However, not every narcissist is exactly the same, and some narcissists may instead devote all their attention to their baby and almost none to you. The reasoning for this is that the narcissist may see their baby as an extension of who they are, so they feel an extreme attachment to the child, often leaving their partner by the wayside.

Criticism

New babies may also bring new criticism. For the narcissistic partner who has a hands-off approach to taking care of the baby may decide to blame you for any time the child is upset or acting up. They will attribute the child’s behavior to your lack of skill as you try to parent. If you try to confront your narcissistic partner for not also pulling their weight, they will often deflect your concerns. For example, if your narcissistic partner is making more money than you, they will use that as an excuse for why you should be the one doing the parenting of your child.

Love Bombs

When dating, many narcissists drop love bombs on their dating partner to win them over, such as gifts, flowers, or large doses of flattery. Narcissists are very adept at winning people over and know exactly how to manipulate someone to think that these gifts are shows of their true love for you (Although narcissists are, by definition, egotistical people who lack empathy). However, many narcissists see marriage as them finally winning you over, so they will stop with the love bombs because they have already “won.” If a partner restarts these love bombs, it is often because they want something from you. Dorazio explains that if a partner surprises you with a gift, they may expect you to respond to this gift by giving them something they want, such as being available for sex whenever they want.

If some of these signs in this article are reminding you of your husband, it may be time to do some more research and ask yourself some serious questions about the state of your marriage and your happiness.

Source: https://www.psycom.net/narcissist-signs-married-to-a-narcissist